Comic Reality

Kicked by a radio active goat, Matter-Eater Lad can eat just about anything!

If life were like the comic books, people could rush head first into dangerous situations and, if they survived, come out with badass superpowers.  Whether you’re Peter Parker and the radioactive spider or Dare Devil and the radioactive mole rat, you’ve got to marvel at the pure luck of the situation.  But of course this would never happen.

Even if strange instances could completely alter our chemistry to the point of supernatural powers, given the nature of real life, it would be quite a different story.  Take fracking for example.

Fracking is the process of blasting water and chemicals into natural gas deposits.  One problem is that gas and other chemicals find their way into public drinking water and here’s the result—Fire Water.

If this were a comic book, drinking gassy water could turn you into a giant flamer like the Human Torch.  Except when your girlfriend is about to be beaten by a gang of skinheads, you yell, “FLAME ON!” and burst into flames.  The only problem:  spontaneous combustion has never been considered a good thing.  You’d be rolling around on the street trying to put yourself out as your girlfriend is dragged to her death.  Way to go Human Charcoal!  You are flammable, Dumbass, not flame-resistant.

That’s the sad fact of real superpowers—all except the mental ones.  Being able to jump over tall buildings ends in a human skin puddle; the power of super-healing (something amphibians already have) would give you cancer or too many limbs to move.

Plus why is it that superheroes always bond with cool animals.  Where’s the Human Sea Cucumber who violently wretches and throws up his intestines?  Or the Giant Tapeworm with the ability to eat other peoples’ food and have sex with him/herself to grow to unimaginably disgusting lengths?

Personally, I’d go for the yeti crab powers.

The Yeti Crab

If only I could come across a radioactive yeti crab, I’d be able to grow arm hair like Grizzly Adams and feed off of the bacteria that grows on my super-mane.  I know I wouldn’t do so hot with the ladies, but I would never have to move again.  So all in all that’s a plus, right?

FLAME ON!  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! OH GOD HOW IT BUUUURNS!

7 responses to “Comic Reality

  1. I totally enjoyed this. I wish this idea could be taken to greater lengths, like a sitcom.
    The audience would have to be prepared for constant character changes due to all the horrifying deaths–Grizzly Girl gets shot by a hunter (is that still technically murder?); The invisible guy gets hit by a car because he let his guard down for a couple of minutes (but no one knows because they never found the remains [even though occassionally someone would get some nasty smelly nothing on their shoes]); The Swan accidentally introduced a devestating new strain of flu into the population of Europe and was quarantined indefinitely. Now some characters wouldn’t die–they’d become paraplegic or mentally disabled. These would be kept around for advice, moral support, and comic relief.

  2. HAHA! Yeah! And the Hulk would be lobotomized, Deadpool gets testicular Deapools, and the Human Bullet’s (Remember him?) body blows off with one shot. Real-life superheroes end up martyrs.

  3. So, does that yeti crab rarely move? I was wondering why it has legs at all . . although it may need to escape predators. But sitting around for days and then getting up suddenly has to lead to killer head rushes. “This just in: The Fabled Yeti Crab is now utterly extinct. The final member of the Yeti Crab philum, finding itself face to face with its feared enemy the Wooly Octopus, made a valiant effort at escape until he blacked out from standing too rapidly.”

    • Maybe it’s nasty like a cornered badger. Last resort of course. What it should do is develop to a more snail-like mode of transportation with cactus like spines; wouldn’t need to move a bit. That gets me thinking: do things ever devolve?

  4. Superhumans exist. We are not easily impressed any more though. There are average built people with extraordinary muscle strength. They don’t have more muscles than Madonna in her heyday but somehow they can use more muscle fiber at once than the rest of us. There are (blind) people who actually use sonar to see. And the list goes on we just don’t care or believe because the internet is hardly more reliable than gossip a hundred years ago.

    • Sure sure, but the blind people using sonar aren’t calling bats or dolphins to their aid. There may be hero’s, characters of legend, but they’re not really super. It’s like The Watchmen: the shear existence of Dr. Manhattan makes everyone realize they’re animal limitations.

  5. Devolve? Like Fish to Amphibian to Mammal back to Fish? Kinda, with otters, sea lions, and then dolphins/whales. They supposedly used to be fish, eventually turned into mammals, and then went back to the streamlined fishish bodies, but while still retaining some new age mammalian badassery.

    I agree with AW. There are totally stupendous humans. Plus, I believe that many of us could do extraordinary things if we figured out how to will it–Like Ramirez in Highlander 2 turning into a retarded ball of pure energy.

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