Venus is home to women and something even more sinister: the Venus Fly trap!
Dum, dum, DUMMM!
Yes! No amount of psychological pain suffered from a woman scorned can compare to the insanity accompanying a slow death by digestion. It’s like being buried alive in a living coffin, except instead of suffocation, the only solace is finally starving to death after weeks of horrifying psychosis.
But they only eat flies and stuff, you’re thinking.
WRONG! They will eat ground beef too. That’s only a slightly different composition than the average American. We too are marbled and delicious.
Shit, man! Don’t you see what’s happening? Well let me spell it out for you.
Venus Fly traps are from only one place in the world: North Carolina. They have developed in bogs that only exist because meteors blasted out craters in the Carolina surface. Venus Fly traps have only been found in an ecosystem caused by alien rocks.
It’s the perfect alien invasion. Ride a meteor to an unsuspecting planet, develop in a place where people proudly adorn themselves in nutrient-rich glut, and win the hearts of millions to gain access to their homes.
Some scientists say they’ve found the Venus Fly trap’s evolutionary ancestor, totally debunking the extraterrestrial theory. They say that it is a direct descendent of sticky carnivorous plants and the water wheel (an underwater form of the snap trap). But don’t be fooled, alien or not the future is grim.
Venus fly traps are the first snap traps to develop on land meaning that its evolutionary line is just beginning. They have sprouted out based on the surrounding environment’s inadequacy to support them fully and turned carnivorous. Eating insects is just the beginning. In a little time, as the world reverts to the way it was in the Triassic period (hot), flytraps will grow into huge meat eaters.
Think about it: the Earth gets hotter, insects get bigger, plants get bigger, and physically frail people drop links in the food chain and bricks in their pants. Fly traps will develop to rabbit-traps which in turn will become people-traps. And what better prey for a slow moving predator than the gravy filled residents of North Carolina.
Mmmhmmm! Deep fried cholesterol junkies that tire easily like a herd of obese gazelles giving up from exhaustion after a few seconds of chase.
Ironically for NC, gay people tend to be thinner and healthier than heterosexuals (at least on the male end of the spectrum). In turn, Venus Human-traps would quickly weed out the heterosexuals in North Carolina, leaving an almost entirely gay population.
How ’bout them apples, NC?