If life were like the comic books, people could rush head first into dangerous situations and, if they survived, come out with badass superpowers. Whether you’re Peter Parker and the radioactive spider or Dare Devil and the radioactive mole rat, you’ve got to marvel at the pure luck of the situation. But of course this would never happen.
Even if strange instances could completely alter our chemistry to the point of supernatural powers, given the nature of real life, it would be quite a different story. Take fracking for example.
Fracking is the process of blasting water and chemicals into natural gas deposits. One problem is that gas and other chemicals find their way into public drinking water and here’s the result—Fire Water.
If this were a comic book, drinking gassy water could turn you into a giant flamer like the Human Torch. Except when your girlfriend is about to be beaten by a gang of skinheads, you yell, “FLAME ON!” and burst into flames. The only problem: spontaneous combustion has never been considered a good thing. You’d be rolling around on the street trying to put yourself out as your girlfriend is dragged to her death. Way to go Human Charcoal! You are flammable, Dumbass, not flame-resistant.
That’s the sad fact of real superpowers—all except the mental ones. Being able to jump over tall buildings ends in a human skin puddle; the power of super-healing (something amphibians already have) would give you cancer or too many limbs to move.
Plus why is it that superheroes always bond with cool animals. Where’s the Human Sea Cucumber who violently wretches and throws up his intestines? Or the Giant Tapeworm with the ability to eat other peoples’ food and have sex with him/herself to grow to unimaginably disgusting lengths?
Personally, I’d go for the yeti crab powers.
If only I could come across a radioactive yeti crab, I’d be able to grow arm hair like Grizzly Adams and feed off of the bacteria that grows on my super-mane. I know I wouldn’t do so hot with the ladies, but I would never have to move again. So all in all that’s a plus, right?
FLAME ON! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! OH GOD HOW IT BUUUURNS!